'Bachelorette' recap: Rachel gets a good group of guys — and a Whaboom

How long has it been since we’ve wanted to root for a Bachelor/Bachelorette this much? Rachel Lindsay is a bright star in the Bachelor universe, and we’re here for it. And leading us through her journey is our North Star, the beautifully underrated Chris Harrison.

Rachel brought her A-game and a dog with a cast for the season 13 premiere. Is it inappropriate if we do regular updates on how good of a boy he is? Spoiler: he’s always a good boy. Anyway, Rachel invites her girls back for some advice -- even Corrine. Jasmine, Raven, Alexis... the whole gang is here to give advice.

Last season we dolled out weekly superlatives in the form of the Good, the Bad, and the Viall... but in the words of Rachel herself, she’s sweet, sour, sassy, and classy. As such, we’ll be giving you the best of the best in those categories. Here’s to a season of The Bodyguard inspired chest pieces, incredible bromances, and at least one crazy train who needs to be escorted out.

Sweet

You don’t often think of wrestlers when you think of sweet guys, but then there’s Pretty Boy Pit Bull Kenny King with an adorable ten-year-old daughter that he can't stop gushing about. Sure, he’s the token parent-contestant, but how can you not want to root for such a precious guy?

Sour

WHABOOM! There’s always one, isn’t there? Lucas has already locked in an invite to Bachelor in Paradise. But his entrance with an extremely loud catchphrase, vaguely endearing sleeveless shirt and megaphone is so far off base with what Rachel’s season is about, it’s hard not to think that sometimes producers have a way of just throwing one in there for fun.

Sassy

¡Ay, caramba! Ok, Bryan, we see you. The thirty-seven years old Colombian has a penchant for saying all the right things in Spanish. He leads with how good he is with his hands, and that he’s not here to waste Rachel’s time. He lands the first kiss of the night and the first impression rose. Pump the brakes, girl. He open-mouth kisses from the start. That’s aggressive. Regardless, Bryan will go far.

Classy

Those with adorable dental quirks of a feather always flock together. Did Peter land the first kiss of the night? No. But he’s our pick to win the entire thing. He’s a gentleman with incredible hair and exceptional taste in blazers. He’s an atypical sleeper pick for round one, but the Wisconsinite surely has what it takes to land the final rose.

Because this is night one, and the most ridiculous, we have a few more superlatives to hand out.

Pump the Brakes Award

How much did you want to root for Josiah when he introduced his attorney-ship before referencing his troubled past and the untimely death of his brother? So much, right?? And then he told everyone that Rachel was his wife. Then he said the first impression rose was a mistake. Then he just... kept going.

Least Likely to Hold Their Liquor

We think *stumbles gently* Mohit is such a nice boy.

Most Likely to Compliment His Own Body

Hi, Blake. A man with a plan, this one. A self-described personal trainer and aspiring drummer, he comments on the amazingness of his genitals before entering with an entire marching band, but you know what they say... the bigger the marching band, the smaller the, um...

The Rundown

Premiere night is always kind of nuts. It’s clear that Bryan takes the lead with the first impression rose, but it’s less clear than it’s been in seasons past who will join him in the top. What you can bet on is how shocked Josiah was that his attorney speak didn’t woo Rachel away on night one. And of course, Lucas and Blake have already started a side battle over Lucas’ intentions. Blake is ready to call him out, and Lucas is, well, Lucas is mostly ready to WHABOOM.

The Rose-Less

Tonight, we say goodbye too soon to Blake K, Bryce, Jayme, Grant Jedidiah, Michael, Mohit, Milton and Rob. No other drunken nights with Mohit? No family banghra dances? What other incredible Bible verses would Jedidiah would have bestowed upon us? We'll never know, but we do have another week of WHAAAABOOOOOOOOM, so how blessed are we?

And sure, it’s early to call, but after we called the final three last season, let’s just take a stab: we’ll be seeing Bryan, Peter and DeMario in that final three. Watch and keep us honest every Monday at 8 p.m. ET on ABC.